I was in the motherhood void for 8 years, having previously been a highly paid freelance programmer. I felt utterly devalued by everyone, including my husband, who started treating me as his domestic slave. After leaving him I built a new life piece by piece; the life of my dreams. Now I am a writer and teach creative writing at a London university. Motherhood can be a time for changing direction. I suspect that without the void, and finding myself officially ‘deskilled’, I would never have achieved my dream of being a writer. I hope you, too, find the void becomes a helpful pivot. And maybe the community you seek is here, on Substack.
Wow, Ros, that is such a powerful pivot and I'm grateful to you for sharing. And SO inspired that you had the courage and persistence to live the life you sought. That's so beautiful.
I totally agree that motherhood invites directional change and that there can be such empowerment in it — I've also reconnected with my love of writing since becoming a mom! It seems there's a creative energy that's reborn with the birth of a baby...:)
I remember sitting on the front hall bench at my mother’s house, I was 30, holding my baby who was about a month old. Our whole extended family was gathered together, and my husband and I were so proud to show off our new baby. I still wince at the memory of my successful brother looking at me holding my baby and saying, “So, Karen, have you thought about what you’re going to do with your life?”
Oh gosh Karen — I'm so sorry. It is really such a strange phenomenon that I couldn't have fully appreciated before becoming a (stay-at-home) mother. It's also such an interesting contrast to my life before motherhood. When the topic of careers came up before, no matter what job I was in, there would always be follow-up questions and interest even when I knew my job was objectively boring to the other person (e.g. "Tell me more! What sort of projects are you working on?"). Now, after I say I stay home with my baby, there are no follow-up questions. I might get an "Aww!"
But I would LOVE follow-up questions! I would love someone to ask me about my parenting beliefs and philosophy, and to be able to learn about theirs. It seems like the image is one of us sitting at home all day, generating zero interesting thoughts or observations or lessons gleaned that might be of use to the broader world!
What a great post, Miriam. Motherhood has got to be the most dramatically life-changing role any of us take on. My son is 18 now, and it's a whole new phase, still intense and rich but in a very different way. I remember when he was a baby and feeling a lot of those things you describe - so connected, consumed, and necessary and yet invisible to a large portion of the world. Our recent referendum here in Ireland, asking us to vote on removing the mention of mothers from our Constitution (the people voted a resounding NO) has really made me think about the importance of claiming and talking about motherhood and work/life in the home. I think the campaigning and debate over the issue has made a lot of people, women in particular, reconsider the value we we put on mothers and mothering. I wrote about it here: https://perfectlygoodwords.substack.com/p/happy-mothers-day and here: https://perfectlygoodwords.substack.com/p/a-womans-place-is-in-the-constitution.
I'm really enjoying reading other women's writing about life and motherhood here on Substack. Thanks for your work!
Thank you so much for reading and for being here, Catherine. I found your Mother's Day piece a week or two ago through Milli and I absolutely love it. Just re-read it and shared. Although I'm not in Ireland, it all resonates. I think we're experiencing these waves all around the world right now.
I, too, am enjoying words that I find on life and motherhood! If you have any favorite Substack writers, please let me know. I'm still new here and would love to support others in this space :)
Beautiful piece! It's so true, the world chronically undervalues the work, both domestic and caregiving, that happens behind a home's doors.
I feel like I sit at the intersection of the two highways you're talking about: careers and motherhood. I'm a holistic career coach who has recently pivoted my business to focus on supporting parents with demanding careers. Even this shift was in part because of my own motherhood experience... It's like my role as a mom has seeped into every area of my life, including my business.
I think society, but especially corporate America, has a toxic relationship with our careers. We place so much of our value, self-worth, and life meaning in what we "do" (don't you "do" more than work??). It's a problem we're all having to untangle, whether we've taken a break from driving on that break neck speed career highway or are trying to keep up the pace with our fundamentally changes lives after motherhood. But when progress down only one of those highways (the career one) matters in most of societies eyes, I imagine progress on the motherhood highway feels invisible and undervalued.
(I feel like I straddle some strange middle ground: as a bit more than part time entrepreneur who left my big corporate job after a baby, I think my old professional ties don't know what to make of me... Sometimes I don't know what to make of me!)
Anywho, what I mean to say is that it sounds like you're doing the deep work of disentangling your personal value from your professional accomplishments, and I love that you're creating spaces for others to reflect and process and feel seen as well.
I wonder if you've heard of Peanut, the app for connecting moms? I found several new mom friends from there... But also, they published an amazing report on the State of Invisible Motherhood, and I wonder if it will make you feel a tad bit more seen. I sure did after reading it.
Oh Lydia, thank you so much for being here and for sharing such a beautiful reflection! That's such amazing work that you do — what a gift to parents working with you, to have that sort of support in navigating the channels of parenthood + careers.
Yes, I've heard of Peanut! I'm lucky to have a really amazing community of moms + friends relatively near me, so haven't really leaned into Peanut for that, but that may bring me to a follow-up piece here. It's not the friendships that I feel are lacking for me personally, but something bigger / more macro that could support ALL of us (if that makes sense?). I'm going to look up that State of Invisible Motherhood report now to add to my reading list. Thank you for sharing that!!
Aaaah, that distinction of macro level support makes so much sense!! Honestly that's why I'm focusing on serving moms, because the more I learn about how moms are coping the more I realize that many of us are struggling.
I talked about that a bit in this (un)Happy International Women's Day article I wrote, where I also cited some of the peanut report.
It's such a need, I wish you all the luck in your efforts to name and/or address the issue!
I'm here if you ever want to bounce ideas around; I'm increasingly living in this space and am even becoming a certified Matrescence coach in order to try and better address the gap in my own coaching practice.
Yes!! I'm SURE I will write more about this because there's so much to untangle and so, so many layers :)
Thank you so much for sharing your reflection — I just read it and .... wow 😐 I did indeed feel like 😱 with some of those stats lol. Thank you for the work you're doing. A Matrescence coach sounds like a dream!!!
I'm glad i was able to read this thoughtful essay. I linked to your site from your response to my recent post about marriage and children.
Have you come across Rachel Katz's Substack? She has wrestled with many of the things you're wrestling with and I love her writing. You two would enjoy reading one another's work.
My daughter's a stay at home mother of an 18 month old with another on the way. So I know how instrumental and important it is to be a mother and what a privilege it is to a family for a parent to be able to be at home.
Reading your post gives me a lot of confidence that you're asking all the right questions and that you're on your way to figuring out what's best fro you.
Also, Isabel Cowles Murphy is another writer-mother, a few years older, with four boys! She's one of my favorite writers on Substack.
David, thank you so much for reading and joining in on the conversation here!! Very grateful to have you as I really enjoy reading your writing ❤️
I LOVE Rachel Katz's work. I'm still newer to Substack so try to focus as much of my spare time (/my baby's nap time :)) as I can on writing, and she is one of the few that I read often. I've come across Isabel Cowles Murphy but haven't yet dug into her work, so I will do that during my next reading block this week. I really appreciate the recommendations!!
On an unrelated note, if you enjoy Rachel Katz, you might also like Jess Pan's "It'll Be Fun, They Said". Very different topics but somehow the two feel like they're in a similar genre in terms of voice / authenticity, so could be worth it if you also enjoy Jess's topics :)
Miriam, your words struck a chord. I've never felt so undervalued as a person as I have since becoming a mum. It's such a confusing and conflicting reality to navigate. I know I'm doing some of the most important work, yet I am unable to feel a sense of accomplishment in the way I do after carrying out professional work. As you rightly point out, value seems to rest overwhelmingly with our economical offerings.
I don't know the answers but I am committed to continue unpicking the conditioning. Glad to be in this space with you. Xx
I'm both so glad and disheartened at how much this piece is resonating. Thank you so much for sharing your reflection here, Natasha — so grateful to have you here ❤️ It really is the most dramatic dichotomy.
Substacking has been my answer! I am definitely (if slowly) finding my home here and renewing my own brain after the ravages of babies/toddlers/kids/tweens/now teens! There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's me and my creativity and networking with these momsters! Thanks for what you're doing!
Krista, I'm so grateful you're here!!! Thank you for being here and for reading and replying. I just read your 1 year on Substack reflection — so much wisdom in there that you share so generously. I appreciate it. And I love to hear this. I've already found so many inspiring moms here on Substack — it warms me 🥰
Brilliant article, it really resonates with me. As you said below, I really wanted to talk about my parenting philosophy because I felt that each interaction I had with my children was potetially powerful because it would contribute to shaping who they were, how they saw the world and how they felt about their place in it. This was seriously high stakes and I thought about it deeply. The way I consciously mothered was my positive contribution to the world, to world peace even. Why did no one else seem to care about this? And about me and my wellbeing, when I was uniquely placed to shape these humans who were so deeply attached to me .
Harriet, I'm so glad we got to connect earlier today and I'm so grateful for the work you do in the UK. It's so needed. Thanks for reading and for sharing your reflection. All that you shared resonates so deeply. I often think of the world peace bit! It feels self-important saying it like that, but it's true, isn't it. Parenting from a place that's joyful, connected, confident, and compassionate models those behaviors for our children, and hopefully some of it sticks such that they're able to show up in that way when they're in positions of leadership and shaping our culture.
Beautifully said Miriam! This piece deeply resonated with me along with all your motherhood collective content. As an ambitious mother of one (almost two) kids, I grapple with exactly the same questions and the tenuous self love…
Recently I posed this question to my own “bad moms” club: Why is it so easy to admire and be in awe of other moms who seem to “do it all” but we’re unwilling to bestow that same gratitude and respect on ourselves?
Marlia hi again! Wow, thank you so much for reading and sharing and CONGRATS on the little one coming!! Can I ask when you're due?!
It feels like motherhood just really bumped up the urgency on all these questions — hence my turning to writing in search of more community / mutual support / reflection / all the things :) I love that you have a bad moms club and I already want to know more about what that looks like >.< and that's SUCH a great question. My best friend and I circle that theme often...
Dear Mirima, what a beautiful confusion from your heart. I have experienced a very similar situation to yours. When we transition from a successful career into motherhood, it feels like we're swapping identities. Suddenly, we may feel more isolated and alone, especially without proper support. (I am grateful you have the support from your lovely husband, that’s the best support)
I often say it's easy to be a careless parent, but quite challenging to be a mindful one. Being mindful means we must constantly monitor how we behave around others and understand how our thoughts, words, and actions influence those around us.
Our little ones are influenced from the time they're in the womb. They may not have the words to express themselves yet, but they're absorbing everything. I genuinely wish more parents understood the significance of early childhood development and the environmental impact on brain and psyche development.
Being a mother has completely transformed me. If there's one piece of advice I could share with all mothers, it's this: "You cannot avoid being influenced by others, and you cannot avoid influencing others." Understanding this is at the heart of mindful parenting.
Thank you River! And yes!! I love that piece of advice as a reminder.
I am always blown away at the power of a few kind words from a stranger to totally shift the energy of my day. It's such a good reminder that we have the power to influence for the good!
Being a stay at home mom often feels like hiding in plain sight. I keep along the periphery of society because it’s too challenging to be in the thick of things with a baby and a toddler, and when I do go into public, everyone sees the babies before they see me. (And why do perfect strangers think they can touch my babies??!)
As a man, I believe we harm society by not appreciating the enormous gift mothers offer. In a society that has become incredibly materialistic and status-conscious, we forget that the time, attention and nurturing a child requires (and demands) will (hopefully) result in a confident, productive adult who, in turn, helps support us (directly or indirectly) in our old age. Mothers truly are the salt of the earth, and if men had to endure pregnancy and give birth, they would appreciate that in a heartbeat. (Full disclosure: I am Miriam’s dad, and exceedingly proud of her whether she is a Goldman financial analyst or “just” a wonderful Mom. She’s a great human.)
I was in the motherhood void for 8 years, having previously been a highly paid freelance programmer. I felt utterly devalued by everyone, including my husband, who started treating me as his domestic slave. After leaving him I built a new life piece by piece; the life of my dreams. Now I am a writer and teach creative writing at a London university. Motherhood can be a time for changing direction. I suspect that without the void, and finding myself officially ‘deskilled’, I would never have achieved my dream of being a writer. I hope you, too, find the void becomes a helpful pivot. And maybe the community you seek is here, on Substack.
Wow, Ros, that is such a powerful pivot and I'm grateful to you for sharing. And SO inspired that you had the courage and persistence to live the life you sought. That's so beautiful.
I totally agree that motherhood invites directional change and that there can be such empowerment in it — I've also reconnected with my love of writing since becoming a mom! It seems there's a creative energy that's reborn with the birth of a baby...:)
I remember sitting on the front hall bench at my mother’s house, I was 30, holding my baby who was about a month old. Our whole extended family was gathered together, and my husband and I were so proud to show off our new baby. I still wince at the memory of my successful brother looking at me holding my baby and saying, “So, Karen, have you thought about what you’re going to do with your life?”
Oh gosh Karen — I'm so sorry. It is really such a strange phenomenon that I couldn't have fully appreciated before becoming a (stay-at-home) mother. It's also such an interesting contrast to my life before motherhood. When the topic of careers came up before, no matter what job I was in, there would always be follow-up questions and interest even when I knew my job was objectively boring to the other person (e.g. "Tell me more! What sort of projects are you working on?"). Now, after I say I stay home with my baby, there are no follow-up questions. I might get an "Aww!"
But I would LOVE follow-up questions! I would love someone to ask me about my parenting beliefs and philosophy, and to be able to learn about theirs. It seems like the image is one of us sitting at home all day, generating zero interesting thoughts or observations or lessons gleaned that might be of use to the broader world!
So true!!!
What a great post, Miriam. Motherhood has got to be the most dramatically life-changing role any of us take on. My son is 18 now, and it's a whole new phase, still intense and rich but in a very different way. I remember when he was a baby and feeling a lot of those things you describe - so connected, consumed, and necessary and yet invisible to a large portion of the world. Our recent referendum here in Ireland, asking us to vote on removing the mention of mothers from our Constitution (the people voted a resounding NO) has really made me think about the importance of claiming and talking about motherhood and work/life in the home. I think the campaigning and debate over the issue has made a lot of people, women in particular, reconsider the value we we put on mothers and mothering. I wrote about it here: https://perfectlygoodwords.substack.com/p/happy-mothers-day and here: https://perfectlygoodwords.substack.com/p/a-womans-place-is-in-the-constitution.
I'm really enjoying reading other women's writing about life and motherhood here on Substack. Thanks for your work!
Thank you so much for reading and for being here, Catherine. I found your Mother's Day piece a week or two ago through Milli and I absolutely love it. Just re-read it and shared. Although I'm not in Ireland, it all resonates. I think we're experiencing these waves all around the world right now.
I, too, am enjoying words that I find on life and motherhood! If you have any favorite Substack writers, please let me know. I'm still new here and would love to support others in this space :)
Beautiful piece! It's so true, the world chronically undervalues the work, both domestic and caregiving, that happens behind a home's doors.
I feel like I sit at the intersection of the two highways you're talking about: careers and motherhood. I'm a holistic career coach who has recently pivoted my business to focus on supporting parents with demanding careers. Even this shift was in part because of my own motherhood experience... It's like my role as a mom has seeped into every area of my life, including my business.
I think society, but especially corporate America, has a toxic relationship with our careers. We place so much of our value, self-worth, and life meaning in what we "do" (don't you "do" more than work??). It's a problem we're all having to untangle, whether we've taken a break from driving on that break neck speed career highway or are trying to keep up the pace with our fundamentally changes lives after motherhood. But when progress down only one of those highways (the career one) matters in most of societies eyes, I imagine progress on the motherhood highway feels invisible and undervalued.
(I feel like I straddle some strange middle ground: as a bit more than part time entrepreneur who left my big corporate job after a baby, I think my old professional ties don't know what to make of me... Sometimes I don't know what to make of me!)
Anywho, what I mean to say is that it sounds like you're doing the deep work of disentangling your personal value from your professional accomplishments, and I love that you're creating spaces for others to reflect and process and feel seen as well.
I wonder if you've heard of Peanut, the app for connecting moms? I found several new mom friends from there... But also, they published an amazing report on the State of Invisible Motherhood, and I wonder if it will make you feel a tad bit more seen. I sure did after reading it.
Oh Lydia, thank you so much for being here and for sharing such a beautiful reflection! That's such amazing work that you do — what a gift to parents working with you, to have that sort of support in navigating the channels of parenthood + careers.
Yes, I've heard of Peanut! I'm lucky to have a really amazing community of moms + friends relatively near me, so haven't really leaned into Peanut for that, but that may bring me to a follow-up piece here. It's not the friendships that I feel are lacking for me personally, but something bigger / more macro that could support ALL of us (if that makes sense?). I'm going to look up that State of Invisible Motherhood report now to add to my reading list. Thank you for sharing that!!
I'm so glad to have you here ❤️🙏🏼
Aaaah, that distinction of macro level support makes so much sense!! Honestly that's why I'm focusing on serving moms, because the more I learn about how moms are coping the more I realize that many of us are struggling.
I talked about that a bit in this (un)Happy International Women's Day article I wrote, where I also cited some of the peanut report.
https://thriveculturecoach.substack.com/p/unhappy-womens-day-we-are-not-ok
It's such a need, I wish you all the luck in your efforts to name and/or address the issue!
I'm here if you ever want to bounce ideas around; I'm increasingly living in this space and am even becoming a certified Matrescence coach in order to try and better address the gap in my own coaching practice.
Yes!! I'm SURE I will write more about this because there's so much to untangle and so, so many layers :)
Thank you so much for sharing your reflection — I just read it and .... wow 😐 I did indeed feel like 😱 with some of those stats lol. Thank you for the work you're doing. A Matrescence coach sounds like a dream!!!
Ah, thank you! But yes, those stats are scary enough to leave anyone in a funk.
The feeling is mutual-- so happy you're here writing thoughtful reflections that help other mothers feel seen and acknowledged.
I love your writing and writing style. Thanks.
Thank you so much, Eddie! I really appreciate your reading and leaving a note :)
Hi Miriam,
I'm glad i was able to read this thoughtful essay. I linked to your site from your response to my recent post about marriage and children.
Have you come across Rachel Katz's Substack? She has wrestled with many of the things you're wrestling with and I love her writing. You two would enjoy reading one another's work.
My daughter's a stay at home mother of an 18 month old with another on the way. So I know how instrumental and important it is to be a mother and what a privilege it is to a family for a parent to be able to be at home.
Reading your post gives me a lot of confidence that you're asking all the right questions and that you're on your way to figuring out what's best fro you.
Also, Isabel Cowles Murphy is another writer-mother, a few years older, with four boys! She's one of my favorite writers on Substack.
David, thank you so much for reading and joining in on the conversation here!! Very grateful to have you as I really enjoy reading your writing ❤️
I LOVE Rachel Katz's work. I'm still newer to Substack so try to focus as much of my spare time (/my baby's nap time :)) as I can on writing, and she is one of the few that I read often. I've come across Isabel Cowles Murphy but haven't yet dug into her work, so I will do that during my next reading block this week. I really appreciate the recommendations!!
On an unrelated note, if you enjoy Rachel Katz, you might also like Jess Pan's "It'll Be Fun, They Said". Very different topics but somehow the two feel like they're in a similar genre in terms of voice / authenticity, so could be worth it if you also enjoy Jess's topics :)
Thanks Miriam.
Miriam, your words struck a chord. I've never felt so undervalued as a person as I have since becoming a mum. It's such a confusing and conflicting reality to navigate. I know I'm doing some of the most important work, yet I am unable to feel a sense of accomplishment in the way I do after carrying out professional work. As you rightly point out, value seems to rest overwhelmingly with our economical offerings.
I don't know the answers but I am committed to continue unpicking the conditioning. Glad to be in this space with you. Xx
I'm both so glad and disheartened at how much this piece is resonating. Thank you so much for sharing your reflection here, Natasha — so grateful to have you here ❤️ It really is the most dramatic dichotomy.
Substacking has been my answer! I am definitely (if slowly) finding my home here and renewing my own brain after the ravages of babies/toddlers/kids/tweens/now teens! There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's me and my creativity and networking with these momsters! Thanks for what you're doing!
Krista, I'm so grateful you're here!!! Thank you for being here and for reading and replying. I just read your 1 year on Substack reflection — so much wisdom in there that you share so generously. I appreciate it. And I love to hear this. I've already found so many inspiring moms here on Substack — it warms me 🥰
Brilliant article, it really resonates with me. As you said below, I really wanted to talk about my parenting philosophy because I felt that each interaction I had with my children was potetially powerful because it would contribute to shaping who they were, how they saw the world and how they felt about their place in it. This was seriously high stakes and I thought about it deeply. The way I consciously mothered was my positive contribution to the world, to world peace even. Why did no one else seem to care about this? And about me and my wellbeing, when I was uniquely placed to shape these humans who were so deeply attached to me .
Harriet, I'm so glad we got to connect earlier today and I'm so grateful for the work you do in the UK. It's so needed. Thanks for reading and for sharing your reflection. All that you shared resonates so deeply. I often think of the world peace bit! It feels self-important saying it like that, but it's true, isn't it. Parenting from a place that's joyful, connected, confident, and compassionate models those behaviors for our children, and hopefully some of it sticks such that they're able to show up in that way when they're in positions of leadership and shaping our culture.
Beautifully said Miriam! This piece deeply resonated with me along with all your motherhood collective content. As an ambitious mother of one (almost two) kids, I grapple with exactly the same questions and the tenuous self love…
Recently I posed this question to my own “bad moms” club: Why is it so easy to admire and be in awe of other moms who seem to “do it all” but we’re unwilling to bestow that same gratitude and respect on ourselves?
Marlia hi again! Wow, thank you so much for reading and sharing and CONGRATS on the little one coming!! Can I ask when you're due?!
It feels like motherhood just really bumped up the urgency on all these questions — hence my turning to writing in search of more community / mutual support / reflection / all the things :) I love that you have a bad moms club and I already want to know more about what that looks like >.< and that's SUCH a great question. My best friend and I circle that theme often...
Dear Mirima, what a beautiful confusion from your heart. I have experienced a very similar situation to yours. When we transition from a successful career into motherhood, it feels like we're swapping identities. Suddenly, we may feel more isolated and alone, especially without proper support. (I am grateful you have the support from your lovely husband, that’s the best support)
I often say it's easy to be a careless parent, but quite challenging to be a mindful one. Being mindful means we must constantly monitor how we behave around others and understand how our thoughts, words, and actions influence those around us.
Our little ones are influenced from the time they're in the womb. They may not have the words to express themselves yet, but they're absorbing everything. I genuinely wish more parents understood the significance of early childhood development and the environmental impact on brain and psyche development.
Being a mother has completely transformed me. If there's one piece of advice I could share with all mothers, it's this: "You cannot avoid being influenced by others, and you cannot avoid influencing others." Understanding this is at the heart of mindful parenting.
Have a blessing day!
Thank you River! And yes!! I love that piece of advice as a reminder.
I am always blown away at the power of a few kind words from a stranger to totally shift the energy of my day. It's such a good reminder that we have the power to influence for the good!
Being a stay at home mom often feels like hiding in plain sight. I keep along the periphery of society because it’s too challenging to be in the thick of things with a baby and a toddler, and when I do go into public, everyone sees the babies before they see me. (And why do perfect strangers think they can touch my babies??!)
As a man, I believe we harm society by not appreciating the enormous gift mothers offer. In a society that has become incredibly materialistic and status-conscious, we forget that the time, attention and nurturing a child requires (and demands) will (hopefully) result in a confident, productive adult who, in turn, helps support us (directly or indirectly) in our old age. Mothers truly are the salt of the earth, and if men had to endure pregnancy and give birth, they would appreciate that in a heartbeat. (Full disclosure: I am Miriam’s dad, and exceedingly proud of her whether she is a Goldman financial analyst or “just” a wonderful Mom. She’s a great human.)